being (crazy) in love

i know that sometimes i am hard to make sense of, that sometimes no matter how many times you bring me in closer, rub my head and kiss my nose, i am reluctant to believe that i am not a burden or difficult, annoying, upsetting to be around. i know that even when i am trying hard to hold it together for my own sake, you don’t ask me to pretend to be ok for you. i know that in the morning when i wake up searching for you, the smallest smile as you slowly open your eyes will do. 

i know that when the world around me feels unreal, when i spend hours or even days believing that this is all a dream because i’m so in my head, feeling lost and scared, you help keep me in reality without shaming me or pressuring me to get grounded again. 

i am only really starting to know how everything in my life has accumulated into these past few months of restlessness. i am only really starting to know how to handle when i disassociate and feel not of my own body. i am only really starting to know again how to be gentle with myself, how to relearn/regain/reconnect all of the parts of me that have been hard to hang onto. 

and i know that i love you a lot; i know that i owe you nothing but am still so deeply grateful that if i were to pick up the phone, call you at 2am and come knocking while you slept, you’d pick up, open your doors and put a pause in your rest, hear me say, “i’m feeling crazy” and legitimize me, listen to me cry and remind me in between your soft and sleepy breaths that something’s gonna give. with you, even when my brain feels scrambled, it always feels like something’s gonna give.

conference calling with my folks from nc and i’m just ready to go home and keep building 

heading back to Seattle. #feelings

heading back to Seattle. #feelings

and i really need a damn cookout tray


july’s almost over, 24 days until i’m out

i’ll start crying everyday soon enough


Author’s note: Growing old in America can mean growing more isolated, and that’s particularly tough on immigrants whose home cultures stress strong family and clan ties. My mother, Ngoc B. Lam, came to America in 1975 as a refugee from Vietnam and worked as an accountant for more than 20 years. Below is an essay put together by long conversations with her in Vietnamese. She now suffers from dementia, and while her memories of the contemporary are fading she never lost her power of articulation nor her longing for the distant past and the insularities of clan and family.

FREMONT, Calif.—There’s a Vietnamese saying: America is paradise for the young, but hell for the old, and how true it seems now that I’m in my late 70s. America has all these products that cater to children: toys, movies, video games, theme parks. For the old there’s only isolation and loneliness.

Vietnamese are defined by family, by community, and when you lose that, you lose a big part of who you are. In Vietnam I never thought of living anywhere else but in my homeland. You live and die where your ancestors lived and died. You have your relatives, your clan; you have your family, your temple.

Once we were bound to the land in which our ancestors are buried, and we were not afraid of death and dying. But in America our old way of life is gone. We were forced to flee after the war ended in 1975, and we have lived in exile since then. Today, my friends and relatives are scattered across the world.

In America you lose so much the older you get — friends, relatives, memories, mobility, a sense of yourself. The phone rings. I pick it up. It’s Mrs. so-and-so in Los Angeles. She’s got diabetes and had her leg amputated. Then the phone rings again: Mr. so-and-so in Georgia has lung cancer. He’s only got a few months left. Back in Vietnam, we were all good friends. But at my age, how do you visit when they’re thousands of miles away? Can you imagine calling your close friends as they lay dying in a hospital, apologizing for not being able to go see them for one last time? Well, I do that monthly now. It’s very sad.

My husband and I, we went on a trip this a few summers ago. It was our final trip, to say goodbye to relatives and friends. We know we won’t be able to travel after this, as our strength is failing. We’ll never see them again after that. I can hardly climb down stairs because my knees hurt very badly. We sold our house and live in a condo with an elevator because it’s the only way to be independent now.

What I worry about most is that my memory is not what it used to be. I am the keeper of our family tree, but it’s all in my head. Who’s related to whom was my specialty, being the oldest daughter in the family. But none of my children know about the large clan connection, not even my younger siblings. Without me, people who used to be relatives will be strangers if they meet again on the street. I used to know all the way to my third cousins on both my side and my husband’s side of the family. I have to write down all of their names before my memory goes.

Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I stare out at the trees outside and wonder where I am. Sometimes I go to the apartment complex across the street, where there are some abandoned cats. I feed them with my leftovers. They recognize my voice. I call and they run to me. They are my source of joy.


When my children and grandchildren visit it’s a great time, of course. But everyone has their own lives. They come once in a while, but what do you do with all those empty hours that stretch out before you?

My mother, who died at the age of 97, and my mother-in-law, who died at the age of 95, were in the same convalescent home for years. I used to take the bus to see them everyday, even when I was working. I knew how sad it was to grow old in America even back then, when I was healthy and younger. The nurses told me how lucky the two grandmothers were, having all these children and grandchildren visiting them on a regular basis. “It’s the Vietnamese way,” I would tell them. All those other old people, their children rarely visit. I remember a few old women sitting in their wheelchairs waiting for their children or family, day in and day out, and no one came. There was even one who outlived her children and still, everyday, she expected her sons to walk in through the door. How tragic to live so long and to be so alone!

The old are obsolete here in America. Neither respected nor deemed important. Back home, the elders are given the highest place of honor, and it was they who dispensed wisdom and shared their experiences with those who came up after them. It’s not true here. No one wants to hear what you have to say. You feel isolated from your Americanized children and grandchildren. They laugh at things I don’t understand. America is so much more their country than it is mine.

In the winter afternoons I sit and watch the barren trees, feeling very lost. I think of how the whole world I once knew is all gone now, like incense smoke. I think of the old country, of the Tet Festivals back in Saigon, of the weddings and holidays, with gatherings of families and friends, everyone together, children running, adults gossiping, women cooking together, and I feel this deep yearning for the distant past.

New America Media editor, Andrew Lam is the author of “Perfume Dreams: Reflections on the Vietnamese Diaspora” (Heyday Books, 2005), which won a Pen American “Beyond the Margins” award and where the above essay is excerpted, and “East Eats West: Writing in Two Hemispheres.” His next book, “Birds of Paradise Lost” is due out March 01, 2013. He has lectured and read his work widely at many universities. 

i must remember that just because someone important is making a transition that puts them 2 hours away from me does not mean they are leaving me or leaving me behind. 

(i must remember that when it’s time for me to make a transition, it does not mean i am leaving someone or leaving someone behind)

reading affirmations from highlander center

one reads, “[…] one day we’ll win and when that happens i wanna celebrate with you.”

warm and crying 


it doesn’t look like i’ll be going home next summer 

i’ll most likely being moving several hundred or several thousand miles away, so i’ll have to be capitalisming and taking care of everything here. i’ll have to prepare for going away parties and lots of crying.

the other day i spoke with Nicole about moving and she started crying. a few weeks ago i told one of my comrades that i am moving and she started crying. everyone has been crying and i have been crying in quiet moments as i drive. i cried the other night as i slept and dreamed about my mother crying. there will be so many tears in 2013. 

the south has my heart. i am brave to have stayed this long. i am brave for leaving to build my community. and i’ll just cry a lot. 

mom was telling around this time last year that’s she’s gonna try to get us back to viet nam to visit my grandma and family but it doesn’t look like we’ll be going home. so i will work more on my patience and i will fill the wait with good food, good people, phone calls, and writing about home.

I want to live the rest of my life, however long or short,
with as much sweetness as I can decently manage, loving all the people I love,
and doing as much as I can of the work I still have to do.
I am going to write fire until it comes out of my ears, my eyes,
my noseholes—everywhere. Until it’s every breath I breathe.
I’m going to go out like a fucking meteor!
Audre Lorde (via nezua)

Chris Iijima  - Vietnamese Lament 

i’m emotional/crying this afternoon because people love me. 

i wrote this haiku today as an ode to to my SAD

if the sun could love

it wouldn’t love me much

even if i need light

nothing’s a better feeling than looking around and seeing your friends healing and taking care of themselves and radiating with the light and love that they’re full of.

decent hair feelings


decent hair feelings